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[01 Apr 2005|2:17am] |
I've gotten some bad news recently. I just got my latest midterm grades, and they're horrible. I won't be able to pull them up in time for May. As a result, I'm losing my scholarships, and without them, I'm unable to continue attending Texas A&M. So, instead of wasting my time trying to accomplish something I can't do, I'm just going to pack up my stuff, head back home, and try to refigure my life.
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| Wham, bam, thank ya ma'am |
[24 Mar 2005|2:50am] |
I had a little misadventure yesterday...I've already posted about it in another place, so I'll just copy-and-paste it here:
Guess what happened to me today! I was riding down the sidewalk (a bit quickly, because I was running late), and a car started pulling out of a parking lot from around a blind corner. I didn't even have time to react. Bike hits front corner of car, I fly over bike and onto the hood of the car, and I roll off the hood onto the ground. Rather spectacular crash, if you ask me. Anyway, I put a nice-sized dent in the guy's car, mangled my front wheel, smacked my knees into the car on impact, and landed on my back. Fortunately, I didn't break anything...or die...so that's good...
Here's some pics of my bike! http://img153.exs.cx/gal.php?g=4241f29c1nl.jpg
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Fleetwood Mac - Tusk |
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| 3/18/05 |
[18 Mar 2005|5:22pm] |
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
It's my 19th birthday
Happy birthday to me
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| My head hurts |
[06 Mar 2005|1:48am] |
I fucking hate parties. In fact, until someone can convince me otherwise, I refuse to go to another fucking party ever again.
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Hoobastank - Remember Me |
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[24 Feb 2005|1:16am] |
If anyone's curious, I got an 84 on the aforementioned calc mid-term. With an average grade in the mid-60's, I'd say I did pretty well.
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Snow Patrol - Same |
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[17 Feb 2005|11:31pm] |
Midterms are over, and I'm feeling fine. I just got out of a two-hour Calculus II for Engineers exam a couple of hours ago. It's such a great feeling when you take such a massive test and you know what you're doing on every single problem. If only I could have more exams like that.....
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Train - Ordinary |
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| New plant! |
[15 Feb 2005|6:37pm] |
Check out my new plant!!
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Smash Mouth - Waste |
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| Urgh |
[04 Feb 2005|1:51pm] |
What a horrible, horrible day. Didn't get enough sleep last night, had an 8am calculus lecture. Got back to the room, and my roommate's taking a shower when I needed to take one. Take my shower, head off to geology. Have a hard time staying awake during lecture due to previously mentioned sleep problem. In geology lab, had hard time identifying different igneous rocks (and I did minerals so well, too...). Chain popped off on my bike not once, but twice on the way back to the room. And to top it all off, I sliced a nice triangular chunk of skin off of my palm trying to catch a falling can opener. Oh well, it'll get better soon. Three relaxing hours at work, dinner with the dorm, and then my parents are going to come pick me up for the weekend. Laundry and bike problems will be solved, and I'll be home the same weekend as my sister's birthday and a visit from out-of-state friends.
And if that godforsaken fire alarm goes off one more time, I'm gonna fucking scream.
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FIRE ALARM!! |
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| I'm....too sexy for my shirt.....too sexy for my shirt.... |
[25 Jan 2005|6:28pm] |
Alright, here's the thing. For a while now, my Newgrounds profile pic was me making a rather evil face:
Well, I felt the inspiration to make a really crazy pic to replace that. I decided to take it even further, and post my crazy pic on Hot or Not: http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=OUHUNQH&key=QBB Not only does this pic have a higher rating than my old (actual) pic, check this out: http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?mb=NSRMARS&key=LUS I got that within a day or two of posting that pic. Insanity, I tell ya. Maybe I should walk around campus making that face...
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Breaking Benjamin - Polyamorous |
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[10 Jan 2005|10:03pm] |
I'm afraid those last two posts of mine were a bit of a knee-jerk reaction. I posted too soon before completely thinking out my situation. Ashley, I'm sorry I always ignored you. I was a horrible friend, and I deserve any hatred you have towards me. Cassie, I'm sorry I was a selfish asshole. Things are clearer for me now. There's a few parts of your comment I'd like to specifically reply to:
"What you did in the relationship was fall in love way too fast. I liked you yes, but not at the same rate you liked me. What your problem was you just got so infatuated."
Yes. I'd never had a chance to experience something like that, so when the chance came, I took it too far. I pushed the limits too far.
"If you think about it, there is still a big age difference between us."
Trust me, that's been a particular worry of mine for some time. I thought it could be reduced, but I was very mistaken.
"And what is this illusion of a long distance relationship? Josh, we broke up if you haven’t noticed. I think Ashley made that very clear when she talked to you on my birthday. You say you are going to move on, like you are to breaking up with me."
I was, as you said earlier, very confused. I had the wrong ideas running through my head, and I took them too far. I was an idiot to have thought that.
"And with you and the cardboard box and the scissors…Yeah, Ashley told me about that. She said she told you that my mother wouldn’t appreciate you doing that to the box and that you just continued. I thought that we very rude of you."
*shrinks down* sorry...
"Making you out to be an asshole, is that because you’re anti-social? Is that the reason why you attacked the box because you seem to use that as an excuse a lot, now don’t you?"
Yes, I abuse that excuse, but no, the box thing was boredom. I'm good at entertaining myself, but bad at choosing ways to do so. That was an inconsiderate thing for me to do.
"And so much for the goodbye today huh, if you were up you should have said goodbye to me."
I don't know why I didn't. I guess I was trying to prove something to myself in my head, but I was rigging the test.
"There is another example, waiting for someone else to make the first move. You’re never going to get anywhere in life with at attitude, Foster."
I try to change, but it can be so hard when you've been hiding from everyone and keeping a low profile for so long. I'll keep trying, though. Maybe one day I'll quit being such a dumbass.
Well, I figure I've messed with both of your lives enough. Sorry for all the pain, sorry for all the anger. I guess I've matured in some ways and not in others. Well, enough excuses. I'm an idiot, I don't know how to interact with people, and I make horrible decisions. It's all been my fault, and I accept responsibility.
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[09 Jan 2005|10:58pm] |
I've uncovered evidence showing that I have been misleading myself about certain details in my life. My blunder is clear to me now, my course of action set. Remember these last few days, Cassie, because they are probably the last time you will ever see me. When I say goodbye tomorrow, it's going to be a final goodbye. I've been a complete idiot, maintaining this illusion of long-distance relationship in my head. But I've realized my mistake. I feel that I must move on, and so move on I shall. I've learned a few things about myself, and I can only hope you can say the same about yourself.
Some things never change. No matter how hard we wish and hope, it's still the same. And, of course, some things do change. Change defines us, and thus I am letting change define me. Farewell, and have a nice life. Don't let me bring you down; then again, it seems I've never been terribly high on your list of priorities anyway. C'est la vie.
Oh, and Ashley: you need to understand why it always seems I pay more attention to Cassie. I've always been trying (fruitlessly) to get attention from her, whereas you give it out freely. Additionally, my feelings were naturally stronger for her, and I had apparently been in love. Live and learn, I guess.
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[09 Jan 2005|10:19pm] |
I am so fucked up. My head is a mess right now. Too many conflicting urges, fears (both reasonable and irrational), and wants, all pushing and shoving for their place in my actions. And sooner or later, I get overwhelmed and anti-social and I end up driving away anyone who could possibly care. I'm a total mess.
To Cassie: I'm sorry I was so pissed off tonight. I didn't get to explain very much via text message, due to the limits. Well, here's an elaboration. Ever since early in our relationship, you've been rather distant to me. I was able to ignore this fact, to let it slide, for a while. However, as time went by, it started getting to me more and more. Every time I got pissy and anti-social, that's the reason. Every time I refused to tell you why I was angry, that's the reason. Heck, that's the reason why I forgot your birthday: the last night I was at your house, when I was sitting all alone after a day of trying to get your attention, it just became too much for me to handle. I was hurting inside so badly that I decided to block you out. You were causing me so much pain that I took the only recourse I could. I was too anxious, too scared, too afraid to say how I felt. I'm afraid that quality of mine will be the end of me.
When I say distant, there's a few examples that come to my mind. Watching how you act with other friends, for instance. You're always so happy and cheerful and active. I think back to me, and it's downright depressing. Another example: your hours-long conversations to people you've never even met. Not that I'm upset or jealous about that fact, but it's all relative: I can count on two fingers the number of times you ever called me during our two months together. You made me feel like you didn't want me around. You made me feel unloved, and it hurt so badly, because I've loved you so much. I've had too much "one-way" in my life, and it just scared me to think that what we had was turning into that.
Maybe I'm just doomed. Maybe I'm fated to live out my life alone and afraid. It depresses me every day to think that that could happen to me. It's just so hard to change, so hard to do something that is so uncomfortable to me. And instead of telling someone face-to-face how I feel, I'm reduced to sending them a bunch of text messages, thus making me feel like the biggest asshole on the face of the planet. I hate trying to go to sleep when I'm down in the dumps..........
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| Stupid people, everywhere! |
[04 Jan 2005|2:45pm] |
I think I'll just lock myself in the house for the next couple of days. Everywhere I look, there's manifestations of stupidity! I almost got plowed into by some stupid bitch on a cell phone while driving around earlier today. Horn, screeching tires, the whole bit. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Apparently right-of-way rules don't apply when you're talking on a fucking cell phone. If she had managed to hit me, I probably would have taken that cell phone and bitten it in half. It's not that I have anything against cell phones...I just have something against dumbasses driving 2-ton deathmobiles while yakking on the damned things driving into my lane.
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Breaking Benjamin - So Cold |
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| Year in Review |
[03 Jan 2005|12:51am] |
Well, another year has passed, and now that I've got this thing to write in, let's have a review of 2004, shall we?
* Met Ashley, who was a wonderful friend when none of the other people I knew gave a crap about me.
* Turned 18. Gained ability to smoke, vote, and buy porn. However, I hate smoking, I screwed up my vote for president, and I can download porn for free, so turning 18 means jack squat. Oh well, there's always 21. (oh, wait, I don't drink...)
* Met, and fell in love with, Cassie. A number of firsts attached there, including first girlfriend and first kiss. First time I ever felt truly, completely, blissfully happy.
* Graduated from Fucked-up High School, ending a chapter of my life that I'd rather not look back on.
* Packed up and moved 400 miles away to another state, leaving behind friends, coworkers, and girlfriend.
* Forgot girlfriend's birthday. Biggest mistake I've made in a very long time. Have I mentioned I'm really, really sorry?
* Elevated myself to a level of relative fame on Newgrounds, revolutionizing the way stat lists are maintained and creating the well-known Total Listing.
* Started college. First time living out on my own. Still alive, so that's a good sign.
* Made plans to go back and visit people I left behind, the date of which is fast approaching and eagerly awaited.
* Started working on Retrogade, exposing me to PHP and MySQL for the first time.
* As a result of learning PHP and MySQL, started working with a fellow Aggie on potentially profitable web projects.
* Ended my first semester of college with a 3.2 GPA, a result of dicking around and not studying (B in math, C in physics).
And now here I sit, three days into the new year of 2005. As I type this, I can't help but think of the many things awaiting me this year. An impending 400-mile drive back home (only four more days...), another two semesters of college (no more stuff I learned high school...), my 19th birthday (will this one be as "exciting" as my 18th?), and who knows what else. This last year's been a real shitstorm, but looking back, there's a few treasured memories I will always keep close. I love you guys, and have fun trudging your way through this next year of existence! (only 361 more days...)
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Nickelback - Should Have Listened |
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[02 Jan 2005|11:57am] |
I'm pissed off right now. I'm pissed off because I spent $40 on web hosting for a website I help run (http://www.retrogade.com), and the web host is a complete piece of shit. The database server constantly crashes, bringing the entire site down. I've tried emailing these assholes, but all they tell me is "it's fixed" or "we'll keep you posted". I'm getting fucking fed up with this. I tried looking for a phone number, but they don't have one on their website. Their "live help" and "forum" links are both crap, further convincing me of how shitty their service is. ERRRRRRRRRR....
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Everclear - She's So High (Above Me) {it's stuck in my head} |
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| Ho ho ho |
[26 Dec 2004|10:43pm] |
All in all, I've had a pretty good Christmas. I got:
* Canon PowerShot A75 3.2-megapixel digital camera
* 512MB Compact Flash memory card for above camera
* New WiFi card for my Pocket PC
* WiFi locator keychain thingy
* Jon Stewart's "America: The Book"
* Chocolate......:-D
* and a partridge in a pear tree......not really....
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Hoobastank - Out of Control (it's stuck in my head) |
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| I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas..... |
[24 Dec 2004|10:34pm] |
Actually, it really is looking like a white Christmas. We had a bunch (relatively) of snow fall today, and there's supposed to be 1-5 more inches overnight. Snow is such a neat novelty, but everything in moderation. I enjoy it, but I don't want to live with it 4-6 months out of the year. 3 days will be nice, because the high temps will be back in the 60's in a couple of days. But for now, it's lookin' like snow! Wheeeeee
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I'm...dreaming...of a white...Christmas...(stuck in my head) |
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| Hello, My Name Is _______ (mud) |
[15 Dec 2004|3:42pm] |
Guess who got a "B" in Math. Guess who just screwed up his $10K scholarship. Guess who's seriously hoping he ends up with a "B" in Physics. My neck hurts..........
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Fountains of Wayne - Stacy's Mom |
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[12 Dec 2004|7:35am] |
You know what's the worst part about sleeping 18 hours? Having to wake up at midnight. It really screws you up waking up in the middle of the night...
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Hoobastank - Give It Back |
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